Dear friends,
The past five years of my life have been the kind of unorthodox that actually kinda prepared me for this present wild uncertainty. Far away from family and friends, separated from my belongings and without a home of my own, I had days (weeks months) that were so dark I had no idea how life would turn out. I can't say that what I had was faith or patience or any kind of trust in those hard days. I was furious and heartbroken, despairing and broke. I was utterly bewildered and questioned every decision I'd ever made. The only thing I could figure out was to get up every day and turn my face in the direction of hope and often that felt like I was waiting for a bus that was never coming. Yet inch by inch, two steps forward seven steps back, and without any idea what the fork was going on, my life began to change. I had to let go of SO MUCH and haha I would love to tell you it was with serenity and joy, but mostly it was with shrieking about how unfair it was and leaving heel marks in the grass as I was being dragged away by grace.
For the most part I stopped writing essays. I lost touch with real life friends and spent too much time in digital spaces. A shit-ton (technical measurement term) of internal work that included therapy, meditation, deep spiritual studies, acknowledgement and repentance of the ways you've hurt people is good and healthy, but of little consolation when pretty much every part of your egoic identity has disappeared and you feel like a stripped down deer hide instead of the person you thought you were. Who tf am I and what am I doing here? was the question I asked on a daily basis. I had lost my joy and couldn't help but think of Joan Cusack's lament in Cameron Crowe's beautiful movie, “Say Anything” - I used to be funny.
I also used to be pretty ignorant of how the world worked if you weren't white and a right wing evangelical, so let's have a praise dance for the good that came out of this too. Additionally, much as I hated to admit it, I was also kinda bossy (firstborn children represent) which is why, 20 years ago when I read the words, "Now listen Maxine," I fell instantly in love with their author, whose unabashed bossiness was a gift for the readers of 84 Charing Cross Road, if not her best friend Maxine.
14 East 95th St.
February 9, 1952
Now listen, Maxine—
I just talked to your mother, she says you don’t think the show will run another month and she says you took two dozen pairs of nylons over there, so do me a favor. As soon as the closing notice goes up take four pairs of nylons around to the bookshop for me, give them to Frank Doel, tell him they’re for the three girls and Nora (his wife). Your mother says I am NOT to enclose any money for them, she got them last summer at a close-out sale at Saks, they were very cheap and she’ll donate them to the shop, she’s feeling pro-British.
I've been wrong often enough that I just can't muster up much bossiness these days, but if one friend has extras of something another friend needs, you can bet I will Now Listen Maxine about it and expect them to do the same. That's the kind of community I'd love to create.
So I'm launching a newsletter. I'm terrified about it because what if it stinks or no one wants it or my friends and family pity-subscribe and are then like, Please we cannot even. I'd like to send it a couple of times a week, but the past 6 weeks have been a fever dream so who knows what it will be - which is another thing that scares me because I don't know exactly how it will turn out or what it will entail, but if I obsess any more I may never get started, so it will probably evolve over time and no hard feelings if you're like, "Yeah this isn't what I signed up for," because I'll be like, "None taken. It is not, in fact, what you signed up for."
For now I'm thinking about conversation starters like: Yiddish Phrases You Should Know or Today in Urban Dictionary or My Favorite Childhood Book. There'll be poetry and sports, guest writers and artists, interviews and things from the Internet that make me laugh. But what I most want (and this is why I'm using Substack) is to have a place for people to talk to each other, for each one of us to be able to, "Now listen Maxine," about something so that we can all be more whole, more connected, more true.
So if you're interested, sign up to subscribe and let's go on this adventure together. If you’re not interested for any reason, up to and including, I cannot handle one more thing, good on you for taking care of yourself!!
ps This newsletter is free. I should probably be paying you to read it, but I appreciate you letting that go for now.